Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Well... I'm over that cliff.

Not sure what to say.
My voice fumbles for words. I can't put socks on or tie my laces without it feeling like a mental battle. Sentences can't be strung together easily. I have forgotten so many things in my memory and my short term memory is shot to pieces. Making a meal seems like a triumph when I have done it. It used to be so automatic.

So this is what a mental breakdown feels like.

So I went to my GP last week, crushed by the stress of work. He gave me a sick note.
I went back this week. He prescribe antidepressants and another sick note. For sure now I will be dismissed from school. Dispatched as a bad teacher when in fact its just a bad time.

Not sure about taking the pills. Surely I can walk this off and leave it behind. On the other side of and at the bottom of that huge cliff. Its bizarre. Some things make me feel really positive down here whilst others make me want to run. Or hide.

Sunlight and clouds all at the same time.

I need sunlight. I need a rest. Admitting I need a break is the first art of the battle people say. I've been on an emotional bender for years. Well is it OK if I hibernate? Or should I walk it out? I can't decide. I have projects and ambitions in my mind that I really want to achieve. Think my way out of it, or have a rest? I can't decide.


  1. I guess activity, doing things you enjoy is better than rest, where unconscious thoughts can intrude. Physical tiredness will help sleep more than mental tiredness. Don't look back, there's nowt you can do about the past so it's not relevant. Try to smile?

  2. I will Mart. Thanks for your comments. The only way to feel better is to find reasons to grin. But just because I will seek days like that it doesn't mean that I will be able to cope with the pressure of the work environment at the moment. Its a real connumdrum to people who have never experienced it.